This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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