maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
