It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
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