She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
