totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
It's never too late to be topless.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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