So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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