can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
