This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
