Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
