SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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