Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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