I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
