If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
