Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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