So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Hippo gnu deer
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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