So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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