The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
a search helicopter?!
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
