I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
