This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
