what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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