the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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