I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
