Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
