I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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