He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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