All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
