My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
