life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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