I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
