My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize