this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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