im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
