Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
