So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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