When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
