Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize