Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
