I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
