you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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