Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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