Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
