wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
