someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
my poor anus
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
