Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize