You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
