my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
