apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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