i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
