Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
