btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
