the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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