I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
