highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
