i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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