Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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