Soap is not a condiment
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize