Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
