what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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