I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
