make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
