Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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