she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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