Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
