so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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