Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
