Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
