So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
