saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
