i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i think i have two assholes
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Floor bacon is actually really good
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
